Imperfection

Trying to keep up with reports for church, following Facebook, living and working each day...my feeble attempts at blogging have lagged. So be it. Since last updating, there are some high and low points. In no particular order, I would have written entire entries about:

-My first mammogram. Clean bill of health, I'm happy to report. I must say it actually felt like a peculiar rite of passage.
-Engaging in several conversations with several church groups regarding where we all see UUFE going in areas of growth, social action, and our budget, just to name a few.
-Learning more, first hand, about the horrible economic crisis of Elkhart by becoming familiar with CCS, our local food pantry. It's calling to me.
-Having the affirmation of my 3rd grader's teacher that said third grader is as awesome as I think he is.
-Getting to see President Barack Obama in Elkhart, which was great, because our economy is so bad, which is not great.
-Celebrating the life of Martin Luther King, Jr just a day before the inauguration of our first black president.
-Turning 43.

And so we begin again. Blessed be.

A romantic day

I had the most romantic New Years Eve this year, thanks to a couple I don't know. At 4:30 pm New Year's Eve, someone named Scott called me. He and Kim wanted to be married for the new year, but it wasn't going to work to get to the courthouse. Was there any way I could do it? After I ascertained that it wasn't friends of mine joking around, and that they were not trying to commit fraud or abuse, I said yes.
I admit, I thought of the 1940's movies when the Justice of the Peace gets waken up to perform a ceremony quickly because the couple is about to have sex, or check into a local motel, and they need to get married first. Of course, the movies don't exactly say that, and this was not the issue for this couple, but that I felt like I was in a 1940's movie is the point.
So anyway, we exchanged information and I was on my way to the church within 30 minutes. It felt so freeing to say the words to them, "No, you don't need rings and you don't need witnesses. The only reason you need me is to witness the vows you say to each other." I mean, is that not what a union should be, between any two people--an exchange between them and the representative of that which is sacred to them?
They arrived and told me about their romance and their desire to start the year off married. We walked in to the beautiful meeting room and turned on a few lights. I said some pretty words about love, they cried, eyes locked, as they exchanged vows, and when we were done, my husband hit play on the mixer and they slow danced to Jason Mraz' "I'm Yours" followed by Sheryl Crow's "Love is Free."
It was so romantic, and by 6 pm I was back at my house. Happy new year, Scott and Kim, and blessings on your union.

Making a joyful noise

I've been thinking a lot about singing lately. Something I love to do, even though I'm not that great at it. I was in choir all through middle school and high school, and as long as I was next to somebody who knew what they were doing I was ok. Leave me on my own, though, and anything could happen.

Once at summer camp, about 7 years ago, I participated in a talent show where I sang (joyfully and WAY off key) You are my Sunshine while my goofy friend behind me held things up (picture a sunshine, deer, happy face, etc) to make the audience laugh and I feigned unawareness. The next morning at circle, a little girl hugged me and said she felt bad that people laughed because she could tell I had tried my best. After assuring her that it was all rehearsed and meant to be funny, I vowed to ALWAYS be around sweet little kids as often as possible.

As I continued to lead worship it became habit to STEP AWAY FROM THE MIC during hymns. I marvel at pastors who can do it all--preach and sing and be human.

For eight and a half years I have been a singing star, though, with and for my boys. They think their mother is WAY up there. Just tonight we had a revival in their room, starting off with a torch-song style Rudolph the Red Nosed reindeer, launching into Frosty, taking requests from the audience for a solo Silent Night and finishing with a rowdy bedtime This Little Light of Mine. Charlie called out the verse and Henry and I belted it out. The Von Trapps we are not, but joyful, definitely.

Lost and Found

Today I led a memorial service for a woman who is very beloved. I'm getting to know her family at the church and they're all so kind; it's a huge loss. As I looked around at all of the people who had gathered to pay their respects it struck me at how well they knew her, and for how long. It takes a real human being to be known like that.



I'm married to that kind of person, a man who people don't forget. I want my kids to be people of substance who live paying attention to their kindness, curiosity, and generosity. Ministers are cautioned to keep private and public life separate, and many clergy lose their privacy altogether. Staying authentic to a public ministry while cherishing my private life is a tough thing to balance.



And this is what I am thinking in my time after the service. If it were not for the people who knew me when....and still love me now, I would be lost. But instead, I am continually found. I am found by my friend's daughter, by old teachers, by college friends in Colorado. These people who know such intimate details of my life keep me grounded and hopeful and, even though it was a strange thing for them to have a minister in their midst at first, their love makes it possible for me to keep reaching out.



So, kitchen witch, I wish you peace, and the next time I feel a little bit lost I will remember the feeling of amazing grace I felt today for the love in my own life.

A Woman's Place

I think that young women are better at trusting each other than my peer group was. When I was a young adult working in retail management it was always reinforced for me that it was hard to trust each other because we were all vying for the best locations and the next promotion. Whenever I bucked the system, (thank you, Karol, Melissa, Marilyn) it felt good but it was rare. That was only 20 years ago.

Why am I thinking about this now? I have been horrible regarding my comments about Sarah Palin, and my best friend's birthday is coming up, and a beloved church woman has died...I'm thinking about women and our struggles and that they should not be with each other. It seems that many young women already know what it has taken me twenty years to figure out--my sisters are not just the women who are my siblings--a sisterhood of choice can be blessed, too.

One of my nieces is the age now when I began that retail career, and the indoctrination of not trusting my fellow sisters. She is so much smarter--she loves her girlfriends, she has sorority sisters, she knows what it means to be a Kulesza woman. Life is hard enough without women being sexist. Quite some time ago I learned that women do not get lifted up by putting down men--I'm not that kind of feminist. But women of any generation can support each other better.

I still hate everything about Sarah Palin and it will take me some time to reconcile those feelings. I don't know if it's sexist to hold people up for idealization due to their humanity and their gender-- time will tell. I have high expectations of men and women in national or any leadership positions and she fell short in almost every area. But enough about her for this day.

Today I salute my BFF who takes care of people and dogs in spectacular fashion during the best and worst of times. And I am honored to be part of the mourning process for a kitchen witch, who by all accounts, took care of many friends, family, and strangers.

Meanwhile, in this calling where so many of my colleagues become my sister, I keep learning from them and from the young women around me (nieces, daughters of friends, youth group) about how to better support each other.

A woman's place is beside me.

A New Day

Last night, as the news reports showed that Barack Obama had won the bid for the Presidency, at the request of a neighboring pastor, I put one hand on the man next to me and the other hand on the woman in front of me, and I bowed my head and I cried with a profound relief that change has come to America. We prayed for courage and unity and for God's continued protection of our president-elect. A few moments after our prayer, the television silenced us all with John McCain's concession speech, during which the young man to my right, a man who has been living in Indiana working on the Obama campaign, broke open. He buried his face in his arms and let the hope, sleeplessness, dedication, relief, and joy engulf him in sobs that shook his body and, for me, epitomized in that moment how much work young people did for this election.

So this morning I woke up as my children ran in to our room and asked us who had won. Who is our next president? They are 5 and 8 and they don't comprehend the full magnitude of this country's election of an African American man, who is also quite young, but all I can think of is this: it will be very special for their liberal parents to watch them grow up alongside these particular first daughters.

And so I am...full of hope, kind of tired, proud of everybody from my congregation who worked on our electoral process, and just so happy to be alive in this period of history, even with the challenges we face.